by Mike Meraz
I have an odd dynamic with women, neither sexual nor romantic, more of a friendship and closeness. I remember when I was a kid I fell in love with a beautiful girl. I used to stare at her everyday. I thought I was too ugly for her, not cool enough, too shy, but this infatuation stayed with me for years. In my senior year I finally got a class with her, sat next to her, began talking to her, finally, we became good friends. I did not have the guts to tell her how I really felt, so I played the friendship game, thought just to know her, to hang out with her was enough. Soon we became really close, eventually spilling my guts was inevitable, one night on the phone, I told her all, everything I felt about her. She could not believe it, I guess I was good at not letting it on. She even said that she thought I didn't like her. I asked her out on date and we spent the next 3 months together.
The purity of love at the start is a beautiful thing, at least for me it was. I was raised in a good home with good parents. My idea of love is a bit a idealistic, I think, I expect too much out of people and relationships. Is it wrong to have high standards and be alone? Or should you lower those standards and settle?
I have and never could settle. It is not in my make up. I have had my share of relationships but none ever seem to match the idea that is in my head. Sometimes I think we as humans have an idea of love that is not matched to reality, that there is an intrinsic standard built within us that longs for something more. Something spiritual? We find this in books and music.
As I sit here alone in this little one bedroom house in New Orleans, I feel happy. Happy that I am alone? No. Happy that I have myself. Happy that I have not sold out on my beliefs. Happy that I have found some semblance of truth. Happy that I am not lost in the lie of an abusive relationship or have put false hopes in someone who I know doesn't care.
I have an odd dynamic with women, neither sexual nor romantic, more of a friendship and closeness. I remember when I was a kid I fell in love with a beautiful girl. I used to stare at her everyday. I thought I was too ugly for her, not cool enough, too shy, but this infatuation stayed with me for years. In my senior year I finally got a class with her, sat next to her, began talking to her, finally, we became good friends. I did not have the guts to tell her how I really felt, so I played the friendship game, thought just to know her, to hang out with her was enough. Soon we became really close, eventually spilling my guts was inevitable, one night on the phone, I told her all, everything I felt about her. She could not believe it, I guess I was good at not letting it on. She even said that she thought I didn't like her. I asked her out on date and we spent the next 3 months together.
The purity of love at the start is a beautiful thing, at least for me it was. I was raised in a good home with good parents. My idea of love is a bit a idealistic, I think, I expect too much out of people and relationships. Is it wrong to have high standards and be alone? Or should you lower those standards and settle?
I have and never could settle. It is not in my make up. I have had my share of relationships but none ever seem to match the idea that is in my head. Sometimes I think we as humans have an idea of love that is not matched to reality, that there is an intrinsic standard built within us that longs for something more. Something spiritual? We find this in books and music.
As I sit here alone in this little one bedroom house in New Orleans, I feel happy. Happy that I am alone? No. Happy that I have myself. Happy that I have not sold out on my beliefs. Happy that I have found some semblance of truth. Happy that I am not lost in the lie of an abusive relationship or have put false hopes in someone who I know doesn't care.
Stay realistic, my friends. It is not pessimistic to question, or to be cynical of love. It is not morbid to be alone. Some say it might be enlightened.
Mike Meraz is a poet from Los Angeles who currently lives in New Orleans. He is the author of two books of poetry Black-Listed Poems and All Beautiful Things Travel Alone. Both are available at Lulu.com and Amazon.com. He is also the editor of Black-Listed Magazine. He is proud that he bought his cats a months supply of cat food rather than having them starve every other day.
I find comfort in this. Thanks for writing it, Mike.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe in lowering standards and settling... it's like saying "I'm not as good as I think I am" and pretty soon you'll start to believe that about yourself...
ReplyDeleteI like your realism