Friday, June 25, 2010

Fictional Love Letter

by Misti Rainwater-Lites

Dear John,
This is candid tape recorder Nova, the Nova I'm not ready to share with you yet since we only had sex one time and you left the next morning without so much as a hastily scrawled "thanks for the great fuck" note with your phone number underneath it. I can't send you this letter since I have no idea where you live but I wouldn't send it, anyway, because this letter is me at my most uncool and unsexy. This letter has morning breath, menstrual cramps from hell and Richard Simmons hairdo.

I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have fucked you five minutes after meeting you. You are only the third man I've ever had sex with. I was date raped by my first cousin Nigel in Las Vegas. Then I had an ill-fated fling with a heroin dealer named Poe. You are obviously the best sexual experience of my life. I fell in love with you when I looked into your eyes at Perry's party. Did you see me shiver? When you blew marijuana smoke into my mouth, that was it. Game over. I was gone. Over the rainbow. You knew I was your fool. You knew my wet pussy was yours for the taking. Fucker. If I ever see you again I'm going to fuck your brains out. I'm going to shove my Buzzy Bumblebee vibrator up your ass. I'm going to beat you up! I'll leave you moaning for mama in a puddle of blood. I will walk away laughing.

Love & Warm Fuzzy Kisses,

Nova and John are characters from Misti's first self-published novel, Nova's Gone Potty. Buy Nova's Gone Potty at or Misti is proud of herself for not overdosing on Cascara Sagrada.


  1. You've gone from the best to bester than that. Soon, you will be the bestest, and past that, well, you will have to help me out with that. Whatever it is or wherever it may be is probably more wonderful than awful. But it probably will still have the word 'best' in it, and it will be awfully big and long.

  2. Thanks muchlierest for diggin' my stuff. Just completed my latest novel...Bullshit Rodeo. 60,005K making it my most ambitious (lengthwise) novel to date. Yeehaww.